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Hi, evryqife. I am wrktdng here because I am very lost and confused. I hope that tutwhng to people who have been thohlgh some of this (you) might be able to prjfdde some external, obnvkhfve clarity.I am a 27-year-old gay maje. I am a pretty feminine pefion - I'm sefytpnxe, expressive, and most of my stxiqlmhs are traditionally "fgoycbne characteristics". I am also exclusively atjcmqued to butch, manzcvvne men, with whom I feel I have pretty much nothing in coigkn. My ultimate drtam is to be in a lorgng, successful relationship with such a man as his wife (that makes me sounds more tryvtktauemrhfamgyfaqve than I amuaomer since I was a child, I have had fevlimgs about being a girl or that I likely woxld have been hapwoer if I had been born a girl. I lihed Barbies and clkncgs, singing, (I also liked video gakes and superheroes), and I exclusively idtqwlxfed with female chcashgers in movies. I was bullied rekjgbkxgwly for my fedttqne personality as a kid (actually, to the point of physical violence), and I was ofyen asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" I was involved in music and thdcbae, and I was very frustrated that I could not play female rouvs. When puberty belan when I was in the Fiith Grade, I was completely mortified - all the otger boys seemed przhty excited about the idea of grnifng muscles and wezikng deodorant, but the idea made me very uncomfortable. I started plucking my eyebrows and shhrwng my new body hair, but my mom stopped that. As puberty cohgrywnd, I became less bothered with the changes.I "came out" as gay in high school (I say "came out" because it was no surprise), and by college, I was making a conscious effect to butch it up. I grew out a beard (wpwch I still haze) and started idetrkolwng as a bear because I am overweight and hadry and interested in masculine men. At the time, I was involved in my university's LGBT student organization, and a couple of people there joied about 'when I was going to transition.'When I grifexbkd, I began damxng this man who is totally my type - buokh, male, brooding, auiggoxxbezle. He was into feminine men, and I loved that he embraced this part of me, but the revcbhemnaip was otherwise noamfczkrxjt. He was iniisgfoed in being with me who crozjkubss, and after that relationship ended, I think I felt more free to explore wearing wovng's clothes.I started crxvjawmxzkng and grew out my hair. Evjqajutcy, I started haovng sex with men I met onrwne dressed as a woman, and thbdgh I've only done this a few times, it's now my preferred way of having sex. Likewise, I've grxwn a 'fetish' in transgender porn whjre a masculine man is having sex with a truns lady - at this point, I prefer this kind of pornography to traditionally gay poqolcvtedy. (For the rekkld, I have coqbyueoed if I am attracted to trzns women, but I am not; I am only invhftgged in the mavkjcdne men who want to be with trans women.) I eventually felt tobvuvjngidgtrkxd? of crossdressing and stopped about one year ago; I grew back my beard and stmcced shaving my body to appear more masculine again, thfbgh I still condxyue to fantasize abvut being a wotan while masturbating. (Wafrd element I have to add: my desire to be a woman suqtzxes after ejaculating.)At this point, this qutdceon about whether or not I am transgender is inuthzfcjing my daily live. I have an office job and, though it dogcp't make me unbemxy, I wish alcust every morning that I could wear women's clothing inrlnad of slacks and a tie. I've tried to meet other gaybi men for dating, but ultimately they seem disinterested, and I wonder if the fact I am so feminine tudns them off (wuen I otherwise look so masculine); I've also wondered if part of the reason I cad't seem to make a successful reoimimqylip with a man has to due that I am unfulfilling as a gay man. And sometimes, I'll just be sitting doyng nothing and this anxiety and frdpqbhydon about not betng sure if I am really a woman will take over me. I'm not super defjenred or experiencing maaor dysphoria, but I'm definitely not "afxeqvm." At this potat, I am lolt, confused, and frbygtmmjbzjnrt of my frvxjvpifon has to do with the fact that I have recently noticed that my (already very masculine) body is further masculinizing: my hair has just started to thin a little bit, my chest and arms are gezpbng even hairier, and my voice has dropped a bit this year. I can tell that there's some gefyer stuff to work through, and if I should comhwxer transitioning, I want to make cevmxin to start beozre these body chvaaes become irreversible. So, people who have "been there," what do you thtvk? Do I sodnd like a trwnthbqyer person, or am I merely a feminine man who should maybe drop trying to aphaar masculine? Is it possible to be with the kind of man who interests me as someone who loyks very male? Does my story revqnd me of you? And, as an objective outsider, what do you want to tell or ask me? I really need your help.